those tht i've invited to this blog , its because i still trust you guys , and i hope you guys would not betray this trust i have for you . thanks [:
yesterday night , i guess it was that day when i felt the whole world has turned against me . the whole world . and even worst some losers are rubbing salts into the wounds . but i dont blame them not at all , weird uh because i felt i deserve everything little thing .

wilfredtan said he HATES me , and hate is such an strong word . he din know how much it hurt when he said that ; at the same time , i'm sure how hurt i felt cant even be compared to how he felt the other time. and when he confronted me all the words tht he never said to me all came out . it never actually hurt so much when someone said they hate me . maybe cause its coming out from someone tht actually loved me so much before .

tht confrontation with him yesterday , it seems like the relationship started to turn bad because of tht april thing . although i know wilfred still thinks i'm cheating on him but i still feel tht theres still some things he dunno . he is just looking at tht big picture and i feel its kinda unfair to me but , if i were to explain to him , would he even listen ? i guess not .

what actually happened , its obviously my fault to let everything like this happens . i'm sure tht april guy he was referring was mernard . wilfred brought this up , stating he send me home and stuff , its not true . mernard is staying at bukit panjang as well and he has never ever send me home like what wilfred said , its not true . theres just one time , after school when i was boarding the bus home to panjang and he tap me on shoulder thts when i know he was taking the same bus back with me . i know you guys must be thinking , what nonsense ; how can it be so qiao . but its true , tht time i dont even know him , only seen him in school and everything i know nothing about him and i even thought his name was bernard ._.

he was sitting infront of me , and on the journey he turned to me and spoke to me , asking me where do i stay and stuffs . and it wasnt me who spoke to him . but whatever , theres only me and him there i can say whatever i want isnt it . but thats the truth . his stop was much earlier than me , and i went back myself after tht , does it shows tht he send me back ? maybe everything was a mistake , no i mean EVERYTHING WAS A MISTAKE from the every time he spoke to me . and i admit mernard is a really cute guy , and i did admire him when i was with wilfred thts my fault . but i did kept a distance when i was with him because i know where do i still stand did anything actually happened between us ? NO i swore a straight NO , and how old was mernard then ? sec 1 , and when i was having my dance and he was having his basketball training i heard him saying to his friend i'm his zabor . and thts when i knew everything has gone out of place . so i wrote tht note to him , clarifying everything to him , why would i even bother to do tht if i've forgotten about wilfred .

shedding loads of tears and everything , its true . wilfred did called me tht night when i was writing tht note . i wonder if he still remembers , he talked to me and i started crying really really badly , but whats going on in my mind . when i was on the phone with wilfred , i've already knew where did i went wrong , i felt really really bad afterall wilfred was an awesome boyfriend to start with . the other thing is tht , i really wanted to stay as friend with mernard and if i were to pass tht note to mernard i dont tink we will still even be friends . and i suppose you guys know how much friends means to me , remember tht other time when all my other girlfriends turn their back against me cause of some stuff , i cried as well , because friends means alot to me and tht time , i didnt want mernard to stop being my friend . but now i hope i've never ever met him .

it hurts me so much when i heard people saying i had an affair with mernard , i've shed tears when explaining everything to my girlfriends and i was hoping wilfred would trust me and everything and i'm glad tht my girls are always there for me and i hated mernard to the core when he says such things . i hate him i hate him ! and it was mernard who started all this rumors , i swore i did not have any affair with him , and i really dont understand why is he doing such things , does texting him and everything means i'm his girl ? and i thought i've stated everything clearly on tht note tht the one i loved was wilfred and i merely love him as a little brother only . i guess i wrote a little too much on tht note . and everyone took it the wrong way .

but after wilfred got hold of tht note , he did not even show me any signs of him knowing anything . he stills pampered me and april was the month i had my obs and i guess if i've not remembered it wrongly , his friends told me he got hold of the note when i was in obs . but wilfred , he even skipped school on fri the day i was back because he was afriad he couldnt sign out just to spend time with me , and tell me where can you still get such a boyfriend . and what did i do , i treated him like dirt and i even got mad on tht day because he skipped school , till his friend told me his intentions . what a fool . wilfred still treated me like a princess and after when i tink he just cant take it anymore , he confronted me . it was during my amath lesson i still remember , the text he send me tht awfully long one . and it caused my tears to flow again and my girls was there for me once again , and it was because of me i made all of them skipped their break just to sit with me by the stairs comforting me lending me tht shoulder to cry on . they never blamed me for causing them to miss their lunch break . [:

after tht relationship of me and wilfred soured , he is spending more time with his friends rather than me , idk the reasons for tht but i wasnt happy about it . and slowly , i felt tht wilfred was leaving his and mine relationship hanging there , theres just no point so i ended everything . and regretted very soon . and this long break , i told myself if i ever had the chance to be with wilfred again , i'm going to change for the better , treating him better . and when he finally gave him tht chance , i'm sure i was even more serious about it . even wilfred knows it , the 2nd time we broke up , he told me i know you love me even more . and yes i really do love him much , but it was me me ME who got everything into this mess . the 2nd time when i was with wilfred , he did not treat me as great but thts what i deserve . i deserve it all .

and if i can still get tht chance to say something to wilfred and him believing me it would be " wilfred , finally i know where the root of all our problem lies , and i'm really utterly sorry . and i dont blame you if you were to hate me so much , i just hope everything will be fine someday and i'm really not tht kind of girl anymore . i'm trying very hard to change it ever since the day u first confronted me , after tht april thing i'm very sure i did nothing like this anymore and i really loved you . and i feel tht mernard thing was a test to our relationship but i guess our relationship isnt tht strong to overcome it . and it was all my fault ; you are the only ex tht ever made me feel so special you are a great boyfriend and i dont deserve it , and i really hope when you say you hate me and regretted being with me was just a moment of anger , and i've changed wait and see i'll prove it to all of you . takecare . "

xoxo,
JASMINTAY